The Courage to Fail

My mother is an extraordinary person. I've lived with her for over two decades now, and she has never failed to surprise me with the sheer strength of her character and the singlemindedness with which she has challenged convention and stereotypes, in order to encourage free-thinking in her children.

I could give you loads of examples, but the descriptions would get tedious because most of them would inevitably lead to elaborate explanations of various family situations and you would understand them better only if you knew all the people involved. Nevertheless, there are a few incidents that are easier to communicate and one of them stands out quite powerfully at this point of time.

Last evening, I cam across a very interesting quotation by Erich Fromm, the celebrated psychologist and philosopher, which struck me as being very similar to one of my mother's ideals. It simply read, "There can be no real freedom without the freedom to fail." The moment I read it, the first thought that struck me was that the quote might as well have been my mother's! :)

To illustrate my point, let me give you an example. Several years ago, when I was a nervous young student, in the last year of boarding school and getting ready to start his board examinations, I got a letter from my mother [She had the wonderful habit of writing long and detailed letters to me every week (sometimes envied by other hostelites who received considerably shorter communications from home) in which she kept me abreast of the happenings in our family and also continued to impart her experiences, values and insights]. The letter contained some inspirational and encouraging words that I was glad to read in the light of my upcoming examinations and clipped to its crisp white paper, what a small, folded newspaper cutting. When I unfolded it, I found a short poem, which was about failure and the way in which it could be viewed as a lesson rather than a defeat and, invoking the age-old cliche, as the stepping stone to success (That poem is provided at the end of this post).

When I read it for the first time, I was a little taken aback...my mind did not immediately grasp the abstract idea behind her sending me that poem (till today, I often joke that she sent me that poem because she had no faith in my ability to pass the exam!). Then I found a small note she had written as a post script in which she had explained her reasons for doing so. In her inimitable style she told me that although she had full faith in my abilities, she never wanted me to feel the pressure that some parents bring to bear upon their children in terms of accomplishment. She told me that no matter what happened, I would always be her child and she would always love me. My board exam performance was too minute a thing to have any chance of changing the way she or my father felt about me, so I was not to treat my examinations as a test of their love and respect for me, but only as a single and transitory experience. She just encouraged me to enjoy my studies and my papers, that's all.

The poem was her way, not only of teaching me how to think positively if I did not meet self-set standards, but also a fine example of how she communicates the purity of her thoughts on any subject. She simply takes the most extreme situation she can think of and clarifies her stance on the matter...there have actually been instances when she has told me to actually go and fail in an examination, just for a lark! Laughing at my scandalised expression (because obviously I would do no such thing!) she would tell me that I actually had the freedom to do such a thing if I wanted to test how she was disposed towards the matter. I have never actually thought of doing such a thing, but I cannot tell you how liberating it was to hear her say those things.

You see, we struggle so desperately to meet the standards and expectations of others as well as of ourselves...it can sometimes become so constricting...and our happiness is then contingent on all kinds of accomplishments, marks, results. Should even uncontrollable factors intrude and come in the way of goal attainment, we can be shaken considerably. So, in a steady and sometimes insidious way, we slowly lose our emotional freedom to these 'controllers' and become enslaved by them...we believe that the love, respect and goodwill of others (and more importantly our significant others, varies in direct proportion to our accomplishments...the painful fact is that this is actually true for many people). However, when someone like my mother comes along, quite out of the blue and makes a remark or gesture like the above mentioned, it causes a tremendous surge of inner activity in which those controllers are destroyed, because one realises that one's greatest fears are invalidated. It's as simple as that!

Truly, there is no such freedom as knowing that you can fail and still be whole...and that failure, like success, is a transitory state of mind...you are much more than the sum total of your successes and failures...you are loved...and you are free...

God Bless!

If At First You Don't Succeed....

~~ Author Unknown~~

Failure doesn't mean - "You are a failure,"

It means - You have not succeeded.

Failure doesn't mean - "You accomplished nothing,"

It means - You have learned something.

Failure doesn't mean - "You have been a fool,"

It means - You had a lot of faith.

Failure doesn't mean - "You don't have it,"

It means - You were willing to try.

Failure doesn't mean - "You are inferior,"

It means - You are not perfect.

Failure doesn't mean - "You've wasted your life,"

It means - You have a reason to start afresh.

Failure doesn't mean - "You should give up,"

It means - "You must try harder.

Failure doesn't mean - "You'll never make it,"

It means - It will take a little longer.

Failure doesn't mean - "God has abandoned you,"

It means - God has a better way for you