Baggage

Yesterday, to mark my moving into a newly renovated room, I cleared away and discarded a lot of things that I had accumulated over the years. Some of it had deteriorated to such an extent that I no longer even felt good when I saw it...there were some scribbled notes that I had from my school days, loads of coloured crayons and pencils that I no longer needed, pens that had dried up after spending ages in a forgotten case and lots of other things. When I looked at them, I truly felt annoyed at myself for having kept these things for so long...not only had they not been of any use to me for months and months, that had also consumed space that could easily have been given to better, more practical and more useful things. If only I had gone through this cleaning process earlier, I would have been spared the really cumbersome task of going through such piles of useless material all at once. As I type this, I am quite exhausted from the entire process of getting rid of the obsolete and making room for the new...

Somewhere towards the end of this exercise, it suddenly struck me that my unsavoury hoard of useless things was so much like the way in which we humans hold on to the past. I really felt what it is like to suddenly realise how much "emotional baggage" you are carrying (now that you have to set it down). Failed relationships, unresolved quarrels, lost battles, insults, grudges etc. etc. ... these are all the elements of life that we experience almost inevitably. It just that we don't go through the spring-cleaning half as frequently as we could. As I put the junk into little bags headed for the garbage chute, I made a little promise to myself that I will make a conscious and determined effort (starting today) to shed the baggage of the past that I am carrying with me. It's all over and done with...been there, done that...why do I need to haul it along still? Everything has contributed to my learning, my growth...but its ultimately the growth that matters. Carrying around our collections of negativity from the past is really a way of clinging to the past because we feel it has defined us and provides the basis for who we are.

Today, when I cleared out the old junk, I realised that I had been clinging to long after it even stopped mattering to me. I was afraid of what it would be like if I let go...what would happen if I needed it again? The truth is, it felt good to let go...I felt lighter and much more in control. I have memories of most of the things that shaped me, for better or for worse...but now I won't let those recollections retire into the repository of my unconscious from where they will try and control my actions. I relinquish my grip on them...and in doing so I embrace a new life.