Forgiveness

I just watched a wonderful film that made me think about a whole range of topics. I won't give you details about the film (in case you're one of those people for whom even the tiniest hint about an unwatched film just ruins the story for them) but I will share with you some of my musings on an issue that the film brought up...forgiveness and the trial of asking for it.

Why are some of us so hesitant to admit that we made a mistake? Why are we still more hesitant to ask someone else to forgive our errors? These are the two main questions that the little grey cells are buzzing with at present...

"Pride" seems to be the answer that comes most readily to mind. Somehow, over the course of life, many of us have come to believe that admitting that we erred, is akin to "losing face" before others, being depleted of personal power and the losing the sense of being effective. The sense of self is threatened when one comes to realise that he/she was wrong and that someone else had it right all along, or at least did not make the mistake that one silently regrets (now)! When it actually comes to apologising, the sense of threat from within is even stronger...it's supremely difficult to summon the courage to apologise to someone because one is unsure of whether or not the apology will be accepted. Even worse, there is always the question of whether or not the other(s) will perceive one as being weak for having said ¨sorry¨ or having asked for forgiveness. All of the above comes under the function of the ¨ego¨, as we know it in lay terms.

The way I see it, most of the above are assumptions, made on the basis of things we experienced in life...past incidents where we either went through or observed the dynamics of the complex phenomenon that is admitting a mistake, apologising for it and asking forgiveness. We add to our world-view a general ´format´ (if you will) of how a typical incident of this kinds works out and we expect it to endure across situations and people. Most often, we don´t even bother to test this hypothesis and just behave in a way that is consistent with this view.

The result is often quite unfortunate...at the extremes of this dimension of our existence are the tendency to beg forgiveness for just about everything (regardless of whether one is responsible or not) and the opposite tendency to mulishly deny any chance of being in the wrong. Both these ends are maladaptive and need to be addressed...but Iĺl save that for another time!

What I´m mainly concerned with here, is what makes the act of act of genuine apology and the consequence of true forgiveness so valuable for us humans...

Several years ago, I did something that really hurt some people I care about very much. I had acted acted in secret to hide something from them, but my deception had been unearthed quite by chance. I was quite young at the time and in my child's perception, the action had not been so grave. For the older people it affected, however, it was quite unnerving...Even for a child, there are few things worse than seeing tears in the eyes of someone they love and to be aware of the fact that they put them there...remorse grips one's heart in a clutch of steel and there is nothing one can do to get away from that pain. Pride, fear and a boat-load of other inhibitions have to be overcome before a one can admit one's folly and request forgiveness.

What is equally incomparable is the experience of having the one you hurt (however inadvertently), put an arm around you, look you in the eye and tell you that they don't hold your actions against you...

Forgiveness is the vessel that takes a penitent mind to a new level of advancement. It liberates one from the harassment of one's own self-deprecation and substitutes it with the hope and motivation to make amends. We've all done some things that we cannot ever make ourselves believe were right...but not all of us have been able to make a heartfelt apology or receive genuine forgiveness. For all such people, I pray that they receive this precious blessing as soon as possible...and I trust that sooner than later, they will! :)

God Bless